From the e-mailbag
A reader sends this along -- alas, without mention of its author:
Oregon State Barbies Portland Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late."
Available at all Portland-area Starbucks retailers.
Lake Oswego Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation.
Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.
NE Portland Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab it. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail.
Available at many pawn shops.
Dallas Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment.
Available at Army Navy Surplus.
Pendleton Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2-sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer.
Available at Wal-Mart.
Scio Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional.
Available at Value Village.
Eugene Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker.
Available at REI.
Ashland Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.
Posted at 12:57 PM
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Comments (23)
And that is why I left the USA....
Posted by Scott-in-Japan | April 21, 2006 1:13 PM
although this was intended to be funny, i find it incredibly insulting/disgusting because of its cliche stereotypes of regions of oregon.
Posted by jyah13 | April 21, 2006 2:14 PM
Manufacturer's note: the model recently known as "NE Portland Barbie" is being phased out, as many of the descriptors no longer apply. She will be renamed "Gresham Barbie," and will come as a complimentary gift with all new accounts at payday loan centers in the greater Gresham area.
Posted by Dave J. | April 21, 2006 2:24 PM
Bend Barbie: This tan, outdoorsy Barbie comes with a luxury SUV, pint of whatever is on micro at Deschutes Brewery, a labrador retriever, and trust fund husband who works part-time as a doctor/lawyer/consultant so that they can spend their afternoons golfing/hiking/rock-climbing/fly-fishing/skiing. Cosmetic surgery and blonde highlights are optional. Bend Barbie comes with your choice of a westside McMansion in either tan, taupe, sand, or mocha.
Posted by ellie | April 21, 2006 2:54 PM
Bend Barbie comes with your choice of a westside McMansion in either tan, taupe, sand, or mocha.
For some reason, you can only buy that Barbie in California.
Posted by Dave J. | April 21, 2006 3:30 PM
Hawthorne Barbie:
This Barbie comes with dark-rimmed "smart" glasses, nose piercing, obligatory shoulder tattoo and your choice of green shoulder-length hair or dreadlocks. You'll have hours of fun driving her around SE Portland in her own 1986 Toyota Corolla adorned with crystals hanging from the rear-view mirror and "Bush lied, People Died" bumper sticker. Hawthorne Barbie comes with an optional "Slacker Ken" doll complete with "Firehouse" T-shirt, scruffy beard and a couch for hours of cartoon doodling and pot smoking.
Act now and get a free pack of American Spirit cigarettes and complimentary liberal arts degree from Reed college.
Posted by Chris McMullen | April 21, 2006 4:24 PM
NW 23rd Barbie: This Barbie drives a "Giant" mountain bike through Forest Park and works as a barista at the neighborhood non-Starbucks expresso bar while looking for a party animal named Ken that understands commitment. Trains for the Portland Marathon in Adidas running shorts with the waist-band rolled over, with contrasting sports bra. Trying to decide between graduate school in neuroscience or a Subaru with a 5-speed manual transmission.
Posted by Bill Holmer | April 21, 2006 5:01 PM
I agree that it's offensive but more then that it's just sophomoric.
Posted by greenbean | April 21, 2006 7:50 PM
I read the first couple of sentences, got the idea, scanned to the bottom, saw that the device didn't develop beyond what it was in the first paragraph, and came here to leave a comment to the effect that the idea here doesn't merit the energy put into it. Now, a guy in a monkey suit getting kicked in the testes, that's funny. The harder the funnier. Or a girl monkey putting a Barbie to dildonic use. Smart and funny. But "her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top"??? Please, stop stop stop hurting America.
Posted by skyview satellite | April 21, 2006 9:35 PM
The fact that someone even knows that Scio exists is pretty impressive all by itself.
Posted by Katt | April 22, 2006 1:07 AM
Skyview:
Dildonic use Barbie? I hope you don't have children.
Posted by Alice | April 22, 2006 10:19 AM
What? No "Felony Flats" Barbie?
Posted by godfry | April 22, 2006 11:15 AM
OHSU Barbie comes in several models; Nurse Barbie w/ uniform, stethescope and picket sign, P.R. Barbie w/ mouth large enough to fit foot in and husband Ken who works as editor for local paper who will write whatever she tells him to, and Dr. Barbie w/ matching condo/health club/bioscience center, which was to have a matching Tram but was recalled because it was a choking hazard to any parent who saw the price tag. Available only in Portland.
Posted by Tom | April 22, 2006 1:08 PM
Salem Barbie:
Comes with a bland wardrobe and sensible shoes. The navigation system on her white Jeep Cherokee is preset with her favorite destinations: Target, Big Lots, Tin Tin Buffet, Lancaster Drive, and the Four Square Evangelical Church of Jesus the Redeemer. Customize her ride with included bumper stickers: "Support the Troops," "Stop Abortion Now," and "My Child is a Honor Student at Queen of Peace Elementary School."
Salem Ken's prison guard uniform fits stylishly over his beer gut. A TV remote control slides neatly into Ken's right hand for those exciting Salem Saturday nights. VIP Pass from Hollywood Video slips into Barbie's purse along with her Fred Meyer rewards card and lottery tickets. Karaoke Bar set can be purchased to celebrate the couple's romantic anniversaries and birthdays. Available only at the Lancaster Drive Fred Meyer store.
Posted by Brian | April 22, 2006 7:53 PM
Oh. My. God. This is stinking funny...
Please, someone tell me what (who) the Corvallis Barbie is...
~ch
Posted by carnivorous hippy | April 22, 2006 10:59 PM
Your world must be really ugly and painful to live in, I am very happy it has little to do with reality. One of my favorite sayings "If your not on drugs you should be." Truly applies. No respect for ladies and the same with gentlemen, So if your are one or the other you must have a lot of self hatred. Tearing down others shows how sick and sad you are..... hatred breeds hatred, fear breeds fear, you reap what you sow.... What are you sowing right now..... is it a crop that the community needs.
It is not that I want to be your punching bag but when honorable people go long with your type of garbage it lessens us all.
Peace be with.... Try getting a little sunshine today, there is plenty outside and it's free.
Sharon
Posted by Sharon Nasset | April 23, 2006 12:12 PM
In my culture, we call this a "joke", Sharon.
Posted by libertas | April 23, 2006 3:02 PM
If that's really you, Sharon, I think you had better give up politics.
Posted by Jack Bog | April 23, 2006 5:14 PM
Whoa! Sharon's comments (if that is her) are funnier than the joke itself. Oh maaaannnnn...
"If you're not on drugs, you should be" -- no kidding.
Posted by ellie | April 23, 2006 11:33 PM
I shared the original list with a co-worker and he added this one:
SE Portland Barbie
This Barbie vintage 1970's Schwinn bike with a banana seat, threadbare 1950's vintage skirt, pro-keds sneakers, an assortment of interchangeable kitschy 1980's boy's summer camp t-shirts, and a 5-pack of PBR; optional emo model includes Betty Page haircut, cat's-eye glasses, and herpes. Special Emasculated Ken doll cries on command and features permanent bed-head and smooth, genderless groin area. Available at Missing Link, 3314 SE Belmont.
First 5 come with "Death Cab for Cutie" CD.
Posted by oregbear | April 24, 2006 9:39 AM
Wow - I laughed til I cried. To all the offended...Maybe it is all too much but it looks like a joke to me.
Posted by Chesley | April 27, 2006 11:01 AM
Oh man, laughed 'til my eyes teared up & couldn't see the screen! Grew up in Milwaukie, but I'm not quite clever enough to come up with a Milwaukie Barbie description. Anyone care to give it a shot?
For those who take offense at stuff like this, please develop a sense of humor. The world would be a better place if y'all knew how to lighten up!
Posted by Dano | April 27, 2006 3:05 PM
I very much enjoyed this thread, and am saddened by the offense some readers took to it. Yes, it is stereotyping which in 'real life' is bad - but which is very common in humor. Most humor has an edge to it, otherwise it would be too boring to be uproariously funny. Take a look at SNL, David Letterman, Monty Python or most anything on HBO! Besides, I have always found the Barbie franchise itself stereotyping and demeaning - so it's delicious to have someone fire back!
Posted by Hummer | April 27, 2006 4:21 PM